It's only been half a year. It does seem a little silly to be updating my deviant art journal when I'm much too busy to be making art anyway. I do have a half-finished portrait of House on my shelf and I'm just waiting for Christmas break to come. So really I have nothing relevant to say here but I'm going to have my say anyway. I'm trying to finish these application essays today and I thought it would help if I just aired out some things here first.

These essays are really bothering me. I have a certain way of thinking and writing that doesn't really mesh well with formal essays. I'd much rather just say exactly what I'm thinking, however uncertain or personal it is. It's not just the essays. I think I've been censoring myself even more than usual. I don't really know who I'm supposed to talk to anymore, hence, me talking to the deviant art world (Yes, I did just "hence" ). I really wish things were different with my friends. It seems really difficult to talk to people because I have so much on my mind and I don't want to unload on anyone or hurt anyone. In the mean time there is going to be a big wall of ice between me and everyone I care about. I really need to try harder but with everything going on in my life and my head I'm not sure I have the energy to try much harder. Ugh, even now I feel like I have to censor myself because I really don't know who will read this. It's very likely that most people will see this epic pity-fest journal entry and just skip it. Of course, if you don't then you get a cookie.

I very rarely update a journal without mentioning my latest obsession. Right now that happens to be Jane Eyre. Right now I just want to disappear into that story for a while. I just finished watching the BBC production, which is about four hours of perfection. Have I mentioned that Jane Eyre is my favorite book? I'm on my third read-through right now. It's funny actually, because if I didn't hold myself back I'm sure I would have read it twenty times by now. It's a weird thing that happens to me. I just love something so much that I have to restrain myself, because I don't want to completely lose myself. I do end up losing myself anyway. It aches to think about the story but I can't stop myself from thinking about it. If it's possible to be in love with a book then I am in love with this book. I don't even think I can talk about it in detail here because it just hurts a little too much. Plus I wouldn't want to spoil anyone.

This tendency I have for loving things that aren't real... it's exhausting. It seems like something inextricable from who I am. Why is it so easy to love fantasies and so difficult to attach myself to anything real? I worry that no one will ever live up to my expectations. It’s not that my expectations are really so high, but they are extremely odd. I just don’t think about things, especially relationships, in the way that most people seem to, and I rarely ever meet a boy who is just my flavor of odd. I’m not the type to settle either. The thought of being with someone I don’t even love… it’s completely repulsive to me. I just don’t have a lot of intermediate stages. I have senselessly in love, temporarily obsessed, and indifference.

I’m not exactly sure how I ended up talking about this but I really need to get back to work. I’ll just leave you with a description of my dream last night. I think by now I’ve had the entire cast of Glee appear in my dreams at one point or another. It was actually a little odd because I wasn’t actually in the dream, just sort of watching. Rachel and Finn were on a date in this weird warehouse that was apparently converted into an ice cream parlor. I remember Rachel explaining to Finn exactly why she wasn’t going to kiss him. She did kiss him anyway. I should also mention that The Flash was several tables over with a really skanky date. I always seem to cast superheroes as extras in my dreams. It wasn’t even a speaking part. A few nights ago I dreamt that Kurt from Glee, the Martian Manhunter, a little girl who could see ghosts, and I were out on the streets fighting crime.
And now I go.